Adoption, Better Understood
By: Elizabeth Koth
“Their biological parents didn’t want/love them so they gave them up” for adoption.
“They were taken from their biological parents because their biological parents were bad parents”.
“You are so amazing because you saved that child from so much pain by adopting them”.
Have you ever been part of a conversation about adoption and heard something similar to the sentiments above?
Perhaps you’ve had similar thoughts about adoption yourself, though you may not have ever verbalized those thoughts to anyone. At Elevate Counseling, we have had the privilege of supporting children and adults whose lives have been touched by adoption. As Elevate’s office manager, I connect with this topic personally because adoption is also part of my family’s story. My husband and I adopted our third child just before he turned two. And I confess that before our own adoption journey, I had thoughts and assumptions about adoption that needed some adjusting.
Misunderstanding #1: “Their biological parents didn’t want or love them.”
The truth: A child’s adoption story is rarely this simple. Birth parents may be unable to care for their child for many different reasons, and that separation does not tell us how much they loved or wanted them. For many birth parents, placing a child for adoption involves significant loss, whether immediately realized or not. Recognizing that someone else may be better able to provide what your child needs can require a kind of honesty and grief that most of us cannot fathom.
Misunderstanding #2: “They Were Taken From Their Birth Parents Because Their Birth Parents Were Bad Parents”
The truth: Being unable to care for a child does not tell us everything about a person. Birth parents may be facing their own struggles or personal trauma. While I cannot imagine making some of the choices our son’s birth parents made, I also cannot fully know the events in their lives that shaped those choices. We think of our son’s birth parents often. Although we have no contact with them, we hope they are okay and on a path toward recovery and healing.
Misunderstanding #3: “You Are So Amazing Because You Saved That Child From So Much Pain by Adopting Them”
The truth: While this statement is partially true in that many adoptive parents are saving their child from life circumstances that would likely be more painful in some way, it is equally true that many adoptive families feel that their adopted child really saved the family in some way. This is certainly true for our family and for me. Our son has stretched my heart in ways I didn’t realize needed stretching. His life has taught us to see the world differently in many ways. We did not give our son the gift of life; rather, life gave our family the gift of him.
The list of “awkward” questions asked/thoughts of adoptive families is lengthy. I’ve touched on just a few here to serve as a reminder to pause before asking questions of an adopted family; especially when it may appear to be more obvious that the child is adopted (ie, the child is of a different race). Try not to assume that you know that family’s story. Because the truth is, EVERY family has its own story to tell, whether adoption is part of that story or not.
