How to Be an Affirming & Supportive Parent
Author: Kusha Giahi
As children get older, they go through all kinds of self-discovery — about their interests, their values, who they want to become. One of the more sensitive versions of that journey is discovering their gender identity or sexuality, and it can be difficult to know how to best support your child through it. Do you let them figure it out on their own, or ask them about it along the way? How do you navigate your own biases and show that you’re there for them, no matter what they discover about themselves? Here are some tips to be the best parent you can be, whether your child is discovering their sexuality or their gender identity.
Creating an Open-Minded, Accepting Environment
Regardless of who your child discovers themselves to be, it’s never too early to create an accepting environment at home. This doesn’t have to mean grand gestures or celebrations — in fact, the smallest comments can sometimes be the most impactful. I still remember my mother asking if I had seen Anderson Cooper’s baby, gushing about how cute he is and how Cooper had the baby via surrogate. As a gay man myself, I have felt supported by my mother for years. Even so, hearing her casually discuss this meant everything to me. No fanfare, no speeches, no side remarks — simply an exciting new celebrity baby.
We all have biases, and it’s crucial to identify them and work toward challenging them. Comments that may seem harmless — asking a daughter if she likes any boys at her school, or telling a son that you hope he finds a nice girl to marry someday — can be invalidating for children and box them into a narrow set of expectations. Try using gender-neutral pronouns and phrases instead when you talk about your child’s future partner. It’s a small shift that helps build a home where kids feel understood, regardless of their sexuality, and can even help guide children toward being more understanding and accepting themselves.
Expressing Unconditional Love
A big fear for children discovering that they’re not straight, not cisgender, or both — or navigating any other kind of self-discovery — is that their parent(s) will stop loving them. Consistent appreciation and open expressions of love can help ease that fear. Through the bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget to say it outright. Reminding your child that you love them, and always will, goes a long way toward showing up for them the way they need.
Meeting Them Where They’re At
If your child discovers something about themselves, there are many ways they might, or might not, choose to communicate it to you. For example, a child who discovers that they’re gay may want to “come out” and announce it. But that isn’t the goal for everyone, and your child may not take that route — and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. As society progresses, coming out will ideally become less necessary, with people feeling free to express who they love without needing to label or announce it.
With that in mind, it’s understandable if your child never feels the need for that kind of announcement, and questions pushing them toward one may do more harm than good. Instead, show support for whatever they have communicated, on their timeline — not yours. They may still be figuring things out for themselves, too.
Human sexuality and gender are complex. It can take years for someone to fully discover who they are and how they can most authentically express themselves. As a parent, what matters most is showing your child that you’re there for them regardless of where they are on that journey, and wherever it leads. If your child could benefit from additional support, learn more about our LGBTQ+ affirming counseling services.
