What a Therapist & an Investigative Reporter Know About Really Listening
I’ve been a therapist for a long time. My husband is an investigative reporter. Between the two of us, our entire professional lives have been built on one skill: trying to get people to tell us what’s going on.
It turns out our jobs have more in common than you’d think. Reporters and therapists are both, at the end of the day, professional listeners. Both careers depend on genuine curiosity and a willingness to sit with a story before jumping to conclusions about it. That is often easier said than done. We joke sometimes that we can’t turn it off at home. Join us for family dinner, and you may be inundated with follow-up questions and deep-dive conversations. But the habits that make us decent at our jobs are the same habits that make any relationship- a marriage, a friendship, a parent and a teenager- actually work.
That skill has a name: active listening. It’s not the same as offering comfort, advice, or a quick fix when someone’s upset. It’s a deeper kind of listening, paired with the verbal and non-verbal signals that tell someone you’re genuinely trying to understand their experience, not just waiting for your turn to respond. The concept traces back to psychologist Carl Rogers and Richard Farson. Their work emphasized listening with empathy, acceptance, and genuine curiosity. These conditions can help people feel safe enough to explore their experiences and consider change. Decades later, it’s still one of the most consistently useful skills in any relationship.
Here’s what it actually looks like in practice, using a few lessons that could just as easily come from a newsroom as a therapy office.
Ask Open Questions, Not Leading Ones
A good reporter doesn’t walk into an interview with the story already written, fishing for quotes to confirm it. They ask open-ended questions and let the answer surprise them. Try swapping “Are you upset because of what happened at school?” for “What’s been going on?” The first invites a yes-or-no shutdown. The second invites the actual story.
Let the Silence Do the Work
Reporters know that the most revealing quote often comes after an uncomfortable pause. The interview subject often fills the silence because humans generally don’t love sitting in it. The same is true in conversation with the people you love. Resist the urge to jump in and rescue an awkward silence. Give the other person room to keep going, or to find the words they were still looking for.
Check Your Understanding
Every good reporter fact-checks a quote before it goes to print. In conversation, this looks like summarizing what you heard. Try saying “So it sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed by the group project,” and let the other person confirm or correct you. It shows you were actually listening, not just present, and it catches misunderstandings before they turn into bigger issues.
Suspend the Verdict
The hardest part of both jobs, honestly, is staying curious instead of concluding. It’s tempting to think you already know where a story, or an argument, is headed, and to start building your response before the other person has even finished talking. Genuine active listening means holding off on the verdict. Ask a clarifying follow-up instead of assuming you already know what something means to them.
Watch the Non-Verbal Story
Eye contact, an open posture, leaning in slightly, and putting the phone face-down aren’t just about being polite. They’re part of the story too, and people notice when these cues are missing. Clear away distractions before a hard conversation. This is one of the simplest, most concrete ways to signal that this moment has your full attention.
Let Them Tell It Their Way First
Before you offer your take, ask for the other person’s. “What do you think you should do?” or “What’s your read on this?” — this isn’t just diplomacy. It gives the other person a chance to work through their own thinking, which builds their own problem-solving muscle instead of outsourcing it to you every time.
None of this is about becoming a different person in your relationships. It’s about approaching the people you love with the same curiosity my husband brings to a source, or that I bring to a client in session. It takes practice, and it takes patience with yourself when you fall back into old patterns. But small shifts in how you listen tend to compound. You may find less conflict from misunderstanding, and more moments where someone actually feels heard.
If you want to see this in action for a specific relationship, we’ve written more about applying active listening with your teen and using reflective listening, or “mirroring,” to help a child manage anxiety. And if communication has broken down enough that it’s affecting your relationship more broadly, individual or couples and family counseling can help you rebuild that sense of being heard.
