How to Rewrite the Stories Keeping You Stuck
I love a good story. I was an avid reader growing up, spending lazy summer days with my dog on our back porch, poring over new pages and getting lost in the lives of the characters. The books tended to follow a simple plotline: the characters overcame an obstacle, learned something valuable about themselves, and emerged stronger in the end.
Our Lives as a Story
We all play the protagonist in our own story. But real life is rarely as predictable as my childhood favorites like The Baby-Sitters Club. There are unexpected twists and turns. Confusing plotlines. Chapters we wish we could erase. Even the best authors need an occasional rewrite.
Unhealthy storylines keep us stuck. Maybe you tell yourself that in order to be lovable, you have to say yes to others and avoid upsetting them. You avoid conflict at all costs. Or maybe you tell yourself that you can’t succeed because you have anxiety. You are paralyzed by your emotions.
Other Unhealthy Storylines
“I have to accomplish X in order to be worthy of Y”
“My past permanently defines me”
“I am unlovable”
“If I don’t push myself, I’m doomed to failure”
“I must never show weakness or make mistakes”
These stories may grow from real experiences, but over time they can become overly broad or leave out important parts of the picture. The negative “theme” gets in the way of you being able to take action and live the life you want to live.
Rewrite Your Story
Begin looking at your personal story themes and whether they put you in a place of curiosity and growth about yourself, or in a place of paralysis and negative thinking. Read about Automatic Negative Thoughts, or ANTs, here.
These themes originate from many places: memories throughout our lives, feedback from other key players in our stories (parents, teachers, bosses, friends and foes), current events, media, personal trauma, and prejudices we face, whether about weight, race, culture, or sexuality. How effective we’ve been at handling internal and external conflict in the past is especially influential to our stories.
The good news is that these negative storylines are malleable.
Journaling and expressive writing, even just 15 minutes a day, is incredibly beneficial to mental health. The exercise allows us to become aware of our emotions, gives us a physical representation of our thoughts and feelings, and acts as a platform for inner conflict resolution. This idea traces back to psychologist James Pennebaker’s decades of research on expressive writing, and more recent research shows that taking this approach a step further, actually rewriting the story rather than just recording it, can have even more benefit.
Putting your personal experiences to paper, examining them, and then rewriting them has been shown to lead to mental and behavioral changes, increased happiness, and overall improved mental well-being.
How to Rewrite Your Story
Here’s a simple exercise to try the next time you notice one of these unhelpful stories at play.
- Write about a particular problem you face. Actually put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard). Writing something down creates a little distance between you and the problem, almost like stepping outside the story instead of living inside it. That distance can make it easier to think clearly instead of just reacting, which is often the first real step toward change.
- Explore the story you’re telling yourself. Look for irrational thoughts, exaggerations, story flaws, and limiting thinking. Challenge your assumptions with 8 Mental Tricks That Keep You From Happiness.
- Now rewrite your story from the perspective of a friend or neutral observer. Are you harder on yourself than others? Do you make allowances for loved ones that you withhold from yourself? Take a moment to rewrite your story in the third person. When we think of our personal narrative, it’s often from solely inside our own head. We don’t take into account others’ thoughts, motives, opinions, or perspectives. Consider how a friend, or a new reader of your story, would interpret it. For example, if your story is that you’re a stay-at-home parent who doesn’t contribute financially, what would your partner or a friend’s perspective be? Is it possible they’d say your efforts with the home and the kids far outweigh a paycheck?
The Stories We Tell Ourselves Can Empower or Derail Us
Maybe you realize your story isn’t very helpful. But you believe you must berate and punish yourself, atone for past sins, or fear change. It’s okay to be uncomfortable with some of the choices you’ve made in the past. Even our favorite protagonists have their foibles. If they didn’t, we wouldn’t be interested in rooting for them.
When you challenge your story, you may find elements of fiction. If your story no longer serves you, it’s okay to let it go. Replace it with a story that empowers you and lets you grow. By rewriting your story, you can make sure the future chapters are worth reading.
If an old story continues to shape how you see yourself or what you believe is possible, individual counseling can help you examine that narrative with curiosity and develop a more balanced understanding of your experiences.
