Teen Dating Violence: Warning Signs and How Parents Can Help
Do you think emotional or physical abuse could possibly be a factor in your teen or young adult’s dating relationships? I’m going to guess that you answered “no.” Most parents do.
But here’s the truth: according to the CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior Survey, among high school students who reported dating in the past year, about 1 in 12 experienced physical dating violence, and about 1 in 10 experienced sexual dating violence — with girls and LGBTQ+ teens experiencing both at notably higher rates than their peers.
Relationship violence is something that victims and perpetrators often go to extreme lengths to hide. This is why keeping open lines of communication with your teen is so important. Here is how to talk about healthy relationships, red flags, and what to do if your teen is dating someone who fits this pattern.
The Essentials In Every Healthy Relationship
A healthy relationship follows the acronym “PEACE”: Patience, Empathy, Acceptance, Caring, and Equality.
Talk about these elements, and model them, in your own romantic relationships as well as in your relationship with your teen. When you walk the walk along with talking the talk, your teen is much more likely to listen and follow suit.
It’s also essential to discuss potential red flags well before issues develop in your teen’s own relationships. Using examples from TV and pop culture can give your teen enough emotional distance to recognize unhealthy patterns without it feeling personal.
Red Flags To Watch For
- The need for control. This may look like isolating your teen from friends or making them feel guilty for spending time with family. At first, this attention can feel flattering — everyone likes being the center of attention. But constant texts, possessiveness, monitoring, or repeated accusations are signs that something is off.
- Changes in your teen’s demeanor. Becoming quiet or deferential, increased signs of depression or anxiety, extreme concern with how their boyfriend or girlfriend will react to something, or defensiveness about the relationship despite concerns from friends or family are all important signals to notice.
- Behaviors that may be minimized or rationalized. Passive-aggressive comments, intentional embarrassment in front of others, pushes, slaps, or other forms of intimidation may be brushed off as isolated or “not that serious.” Even when they seem less severe than other forms of abuse, they are important warning signs that deserve attention.
If You’re Worried About Your Teen’s Safety, Act
Addressing unhealthy relationship concerns can be tricky for parents, and forbidding contact outright may push the relationship into further secrecy, driving it underground.
However, if you are fearful for your child’s safety, or physical violence is already happening in the relationship, you need to step in. Contact the appropriate authorities, communicate with the school, and make sure your teen is protected.
Supporting Your Teen Before Things Escalate
- Listen and hear without judgment. Validate your teen’s feelings, but also educate them on what a healthy relationship looks like.
- Ask open-ended questions. Try starting with “I wonder…” or “What do your other friends’ relationships look like?” The goal is to give your teen space to explore their own thoughts and arrive at healthy conclusions on their own.
- Strengthen other connections and develop a safety plan. Help your teen stay connected with trusted friends, family members, and supportive adults. Ask what would help them feel safer rather than making sudden changes or confronting their dating partner without a plan.
- Find support. If your teen is in immediate danger, call 911. Otherwise, organizations like the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence provide support, education, and local resources for both teens and parents navigating this.
If your teen finds themselves repeating unhealthy relationship patterns, or is struggling to end a relationship, consider reaching out to a local therapist who provides individual therapy and understands teen issues. This can help them develop self-confidence, establish healthy boundaries, build effective communication skills, and address any trauma that may be present from instances in their past.
Above all, keep the channels of communication open with your teen. You are their first “mirrors,” reflecting their value and worth. Support them through their challenges, protect them with your experience, and celebrate their growth and successes.
